Scientists Get To Work: Figure Out Diets of Dead Things

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Richard III
King Richard and his famous crooked spine. These bones tell a bigger story though…

One of the most fundamental tasks of a Scientist (which also happens to be the most exciting) is finding some skeletal remains of some dead thing, and carefully putting the complicated pieces of evidence together in order to determine, with exact certainty, what that dead thing ate for breakfast. This vital information provides humanity with so many benefits, it is almost too difficult to name them all. They do it on million year old dinosaurs that had a preference for swine or, in this case, a 600 year old famous king with a preference for wild fowl.

The discovery of the remains of King Richard III of England presented a great opportunity to search for the eating habits of the dead and famous. We know good old crooked-back King Richard lacked a horse to save his Kingdom, but he certainly did not lack exotic birds. Scientists studied his old teeth and bones and unfortunately for the king, the chemical residue of exotic birds simply does not disappear over time. How could poor Richard have known? Also apparent, much to his posthumous dismay, was that he drank too much. We guessed as much, but we couldn’t know for sure until some Scientists got their hands on his remains and performed their complicated secret experiments.

Dr. Angela Lamb headed up this research and she concluded, scientifically, a number of key points relevant to your life. First, Richard III feasted and dined way more than his contemporaries or predecessors – and this actually had a negative impact on him in his last years. You heard that right. He was a glutton and a drunkard and it gave him health problems late in life. We know this, not by any silly tradition about the man, or the absurd exaggerations of some “plays” written about him, but because we have his actual bones, dude, and they tell the true story. There is nitrogen, and oxygen, and all kinds of other secret chemicals that the rest of us know nothing about. As SkyNews explains, by careful evaluation of his bones Dr. Lamb was able to tell that on the exact day in 1483 when he became King, Richard consumed at least 1 keg and probably a 40 ounce before bed that night! (It’s good to be king!)

It is amazing what Science can do.

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Portrait of the King

Another indication revealed by the residueishness on his bones is that His Majesty changed geographic locations much more often than when he wasn’t king. Whereas before we had only the ability to speculate at this given the practice of the kingly office to make visits throughout the territory, and the various anecdotes about him being now in Gloucester, now in Edinburg, now in London – very complicated and speculative conjectures regarding his whereabouts – now we know. His bones say clearly that there were “fascinating changes in his geographical movements” as Dr. Lamb explains. When asked for an example of one of these changes, Dr. Lamb explained, “Well, diligent examination of his leg bones – we perhaps spent five days on this experiment – we concluded with exactitude that King Richard at some point was in Gloucester and at another point was in Edinburg, and quite possibly also in London – all in a short amount of time.” Jaws dropped at this news.

But again, it’s the diet that is most fascinating. After all, we may spend time studying the historical importance of the monarchy of England, or the impact which late medieval British power struggles had on the rest of Europe, or simply the fascinating murderous rise to power that Richard III took to become supreme King of England – but what really matters is whether or not he ate red meat or salads and whether that at 9 AM or noon. And that is what Science has finally been able to tell us. Forget history books or Shakespeare, it was written in his bones.

 

 

Scientists Afraid of Death, Search For Eternal Life and Find It

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The age-old quest of man, of course, has been to beat the ever present and dreadful sentence upon all living things: death. Religion has for centuries claimed victory in this quest with farcical stories of “resurrection” and “living forever.” But, while those true believers are living in fantasy land, scientists, who live in reality, are taking the baton from our superstitious forerunners and putting new efforts towards this noble goal. Can we live forever? Can we beat death? Scientists have set out on this quest again. And they have come up with completely new ideas that the old superstitious religionists never offered.  The ScienceChannel is airing a special on this very topic.

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Dr. Michio Kaku

First, we have the nagging trouble of aging and decay. One of the most famous Scientists of our age, Dr. Michio Kaku, thinks he has hit upon the very scientific principle that keeps us from making progress on beating aging and death. Simply put, there is a principle of disorder in the universe.

Now, the weirdo religious Jews from the Old Testament did put in their fables of creation that “In the beginning, when God created the heavens and the earth, and the earth was without form or shape, with darkness over the abyss and a mighty wind sweeping over the waters…” and that God then spoke a sort of order into the disorder of the dark, shapeless earth, creating life. In addition, they said that man, through sin (what is that? can it be proven?) brought disorder back into the world. But, again, this is all fable and myths and nonsense. Scientists, though, through the truth-test of experiment, have proven what the Jews may have happened upon by accident: the scientific principle of order and disorder is what explains aging and death.

Would you like cream in your coffee? Wait! It will be hard to reverse that! Dr. Kaku explains:

“If I mix coffee I realize that when I put cream into coffee I increase entropy, I increase disorder. In fact, to see this milk jump out and reform in another cup, is such a preposterous event, that you would have to wait longer than the lifetime of the universe to see that happen.”

The lifetime of the universe!!?? Holy Smokes. I can’t wait around for that…or can I? Dr. Kuku explains that this process of entropy, or of things moving from order to disorder is

“…why we age. In fact…that’s why we die.”

Ugh…heartbreaking. Is there anything that can be done about this? Can I reverse this process of entropy? What could we call it? Maybe intropy.? Or reversopy? Or psychotherapy? In any case, the Jews called this moving from order to disorder “sin” and the Christians have always explained that sin is “why we die.” Now we have the correct answer, though. It is not called sin, it is called “entropy.” Now that we have cleared that up with our sophisticated coffee experiement (ie, proof), we can move on to to our next non-religious goal – immortality.

The ScienceChannel’s special on this subject explains, via its narrator Morgan Freeman:

“We will discover the secret of immortality. But, we are not there yet.”

Well, let’s get a move on Science. Entropy has got a knife to my throat, if you know what I mean. I am not getting any younger.

Mr. Freeman explains that Scientists realize that we need “to put aging on ice and be ready to grasp eternal life, long after life abandons us.” Now, many scientists are uncomfortable with this talk of eternal life and living forever. But we have to understand that searching for eternal life is now a scientific endeavor, and it’s OK to talk about it. Besides, we are doing fun experiments to try and reach our goal. How about some cryogenic preservation? You may know this as “freezing.” With this method, scientists believe they might be able to freeze human organs, or whole human beings, and preserve their functions indefinitely.

Freeman continues, “Take our current lifespan, and stretch it five or even ten times longer.” (You mean like patriarchs of the Old Testament? That would be cool! Turning silly stories into reality!) “But if we want to become immortal, we can’t just extend life. We need to discover how to keep our bodies eternally youthful.” Exactly. Like how in the Resurrection myth of the Christians that our bodies will rise and live forever in a sort of “glorified” state – like in our best, most youthful state. That is exactly what we need. Science, once again, is on to something that the religion people only dreamed of…

Scientist Aubrey de Gray is working on trying to find bacteria that are currently eating away at the flesh of dead human beings, and inserting that bacteria into the cells of living human beings. Yes, they are very careful, so don’t worry about this causing any adverse side-effects. In any case, his theory is that there is a lot of junk accumulated in the human body that needs to be destroyed, because that junk is what causes us to age, decay, and eventually…die. While the Christians can go back and forth forever (well, not forever, haha) arguing that the “junk” that causes aging and death is “sin”, scientists are busy trying to actually get rid of the junk by finding flesh eating bacteria in the graves of deceased members of our race and inserting them into healthy living members. Thank goodness someone is working on this.

But, Freeman gets us to the heart of the matter. “The secret of achieving immortality…” (please, tell us, for goodness sake, we are waiting. If you know the answer, scientists, then tell us!!!). Here it is:

“The secret of achieving immortality could require the fusion of humanity and God into an everlasting cosmic computer.”

Yes! Finally…yes. Whew. Wow. I mean, wow….wait…wait, what??

Can someone please explain what he just said? An everlasting computer? Is there a Mathematical Physicist on hand that can help us make sense of this?

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Frank Kippler

Enter Frank Kippler, Mathematical Physicist at Tulane University. This guy is just waaaaay beyond most human beings. So, you may have trouble following his explanation, but that is simply because you are not a Scientist. But, he explains the meaning of this cosmic computer and the end of our current existence. Though the religionists sometimes call Christ the “Omega” and have some loosely articulated and underdeveloped ideas about God becoming man, and even man becoming divine, in the end, the true Omega is the joining together of the universe, humanity, and God into one. He explains, much better than the Christians ever did:

“The Omega point is the very end of the Universe…Our descendents will expand out…and ultimately engulf the entire universe. As our descendants are moving into this final state, their knowledge, and their power, and their computer capacity is increasing without limit.”

Then, he explains, these post-evolutionary humans will harness the ability to turn matter into energy, and then be able to go anywhere and do anything. Omnipotent! All-Powerful! But, here is the best part, and the part you have been waiting for. They will create a cosmic computer and “resurrect” every human person that has ever lived! Kippler explains:

“Every man, woman, and child will be brought back into existence. It will be just like you are brought back in your body into a reconstructed earth, just like we now live on. It will be different in one crucial respect, we will be resurrected, but we will NEVER have to go through death again.”

Ahhhhh! Thank you Science!

Instead of reading and believing the silly, bogus, warped stuff of the Christian Catechism, you can just wait until the Scientists discover all this for us.

“All the dead will rise again with their own bodies….At the end of time, the righteous will reign forever with Christ, glorified in body and soul. The universe itself will be renewed…at that time, together with the human race, the universe itself will be perfectly re-established in God. Sacred Scripture calls this transformation of humanity and the world the ‘new heavens and the new earth.’ In this new universe…death shall be no more.” - Catechism of the Catholic Church 999, 1042-1044

Violent Video Games Good For Children, Study Finds

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Copyright Getty Images
Copyright Getty Images

Contrary to the inclinations of previous research and speculation, exposure and play with violent video games does not churn out more violent teens and adults. Quite the contrary says Science: it makes them better people.

In a study authored by Matthew Grizzard, PhD, assistant professor in the University at Buffalo Department of Communication, and co-authored by researchers at Michigan State University and the University of Texas, Austin, when young people participate in the world of violent, crude and immoral virtual behavior, they actually experience an increased sense of morality. This comes as a relief for thousands of parents across the world who, feeling guilty about the disengaged behavior of their teen, allow them to spend endless hours playing Grand Theft Auto or the like.

“I had no idea that those hours playing violent games were making Johnny a better person,” says Shirley Crisch, a mother of two young teenage boys. “My kids begged me for these games when they were young. I felt terrible lettin ‘em. But, now, I know I am a great parent.”

Grizzard’s study showed that engaging in immoral behavior – virtually – evoked feelings of guilt in the participants. Having a forum to engage in this violence and debauchery, without actually harming anyone, made them less likely to do so in reality. The study, described in more detail here, used 185 participants, some of whom played a violent shoot-em-up video game as a terrorist, while others played an equally violent game as a UN Peacekeeper.

Steven Boyle, a participant in this study, was asked whether he felt like the experience made him a better person. He responded, “I killed a bunch of dudes, it was awesome.”

Grizzard and the other researchers admit, this kind of study didn’t make everyone want to go out and be a UN Peacekeeper and only use guns for noble ends. But the trend was clear. Most participants felt really bad after having killed a bunch of people virtually, whether they were the terrorist or not – but even more so as a terrorist. Video-game guilt was directly correlated against the moral foundations violated in the particular video game. That is scientific proof.

“This is a win-win,” says Grizzard. “I actually like to play these video games myself, so, I am glad to see that this scientific study provides us with the means to explain to society that violent games produce good people. I feel bad all the time after playing these games – it is proof that I am a good person.”

While “society” might not be ready to add these games to the school curriculum (well, why not?), they may just be ready to admit what Science has shown to be true this go-round. Violent video games are good for your children.

The Latest from Mars…

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The Latest Facts from Curiosity

The conclusions are mind-boggling considering that we know that the atmospheric conditions on Mars make it impossible for liquid water to exist.

Question: “Are there any life forms out there in space?”

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This great question is of great interest to NASA.  Fortunately, while superstitious people have answered this throughout history, men who allow only the facts of scientific investigation to influence their judgment can provide us with more certain answers.  Here, a scientist at NASA answers the question…scientifically:

“I don’t have any conclusive evidence to say that there is, but my gut feeling is that surely with this vastness of the universe, there’s bound to be life out there in unimaginable, interesting variations and I can’t wait for us to find them.”

There you have it.  Let’s put this into syllogistic form to appreciate it better:

1.  All vast things must have unimaginable, yet interesting variations of life life in them other than that which is known on earth.
2.  The universe is a vast thing.
3.  The universe must have unimaginable, yet interesting variations of life life in them other than that which is known on earth.

 

Scientists Record Smallest Force Ever Measured

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Image of harmonic oscillation. Extremely therapeutic to stare at.

In a STUNNING breakthrough, researchers were able to measure the smallest force in the history of measuring small forces. While courageously ignoring some of the pressing financial needs of humanity, scientists at Lawrence Berkeley National Laboratory and the University of California Berkeley have wisely directed large sums of capital into this project. Science Daily reports Dan Stamper-Kurn, a physicist as explaining:

“We applied an external force to the center-of-mass motion of an ultracold atom cloud in a high-finesse optical cavity and measured the resulting motion optically. When the driving force was resonant with the cloud’s oscillation frequency, we achieved a sensitivity that is consistent with theoretical predictions and only a factor of four above the Standard Quantum Limit, the most sensitive measurement that can be made.”

Holy. Moly. A factor of four above the Standard Quantam Limit? Had you any idea?

The researchers have been at this for a while. It was first predicted that they’d reach this stage in 1985, but that has proven difficult. A combination of funding nightmares, equipment malfunctions, delays, plain old tiredness, a “why does this matter” attitude from the general public, all contributed to this taking much longer than they thought. Sydney Schreppler,  a research partner and head author of a science paper called, conveniently, Science, had this to say as reported by Science Daily:

“A scientific paper in 1980 predicted that the SQL might be reached within five years. It took about 30 years longer than predicted, but we now have an experimental set-up capable both of reaching very close to the SQL and of showing the onset of different kinds of obscuring noise away from that SQL.”

Indeed we do. And thank goodness not a moment too late. Many non-science rabble wonder just how small of a force we are talking about here. To explain, the scientists have developed a system of measuring these tiny readings. Using lasers and optics, they gave a little push to the wee atom-cloud in their experiment and came up with a measurement of 42 yoctonewtons.

42! Yoctonewtons.

We told you…the smallest force ever recorded.

Scientist Finds Tooth, Adds 17 Dinosaur Species

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tooth
Paleontologist Richard Gere shows the amazing “Missing Tooth” found in a remote part of Idaho

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In what researches are terming “the Missing Tooth”, a scientist in Idaho has discovered what can only be described as a dinosaur tooth. Paleontologist Richard Gere (not the actor) said that he was on a dig when he discovered the remarkable find.

“At first I thought it was just a rock,” Gere noted. “But then after grabbing my glasses I realized that the shape of the point was unmistakable – that was a dinosaur tooth!”

The find could not have come at a better point in time. Old World Research Laboratories, the firm that Gere and several hundred other scientists who need jobs desperately work for, is just about out of funding. “We had one, maybe two donors willing to get us through the summer,” said dig leader Allison Prisbocki. “But we are in a tough spot financially. Our last dinosaur skeleton, which was not really the full skeleton, perhaps maybe one or two bones were real, the rest just a plaster model – a great teaching tool for children – anyway, that sold for 8 million I believe it was. That got us through May.”

Prisbocki and Gere both seemed hopeful that a true dinosaur find like this could really turn things around for the firm and the researchers. “Oh it’s big. It’s real big. Huge find,” said Gere.

However, the size of the tooth, not more than a half inch long, may present difficulties for Gere and his team. When asked whether scientists could really gather any significant new information from such a small find, Gere was adamant that the contrary was the case. “Not at all,” he said. “This is the Missing Tooth. This tooth connects us to a wide range of dinosaur species that we had not known before – seventeen to be exact. I have already cataloged them for a new textbook coming out next month.” Gere continued, “It tells us so much about their dietary habits, their jaw shape, their mating habits, their choice of shelter, and their most active day of the year to eat – which turns out to be September 4th.”

“We’re real grateful for Gere,” Prisbocki said. “Without his expertise, we might have discarded this as just another rock. Now we have the truth! Seventeen new dinosaurs! I guess you could say its time for the next movie,” she said laughing. “I used to act a little myself, so…”

When asked what the next step would be, Gere said they would start contacting other teams to help at the dig site, to see if they could find more evidence. “We’ll likely be here another five years, maybe ten. With a find like this, you need to make sure there is no stone unturned.”

Indeed.